" An artist is someone who cannot rest, who can never rest as long as there is one suffering creature in this world. Along with Plato's divine madness there is also a divine discontent, a longing to find the melody in the dischords of chaos, the rhyme in the cacophany, the surprised smile in time of stress or strain.
It is not that what is is not enough for it is; it is that what is had been disarranged, and is crying out to be put in place. Perhaps the artist longs to sleep well every night, to eat anything without indigestion; to feel no moral qualms; to turn off the telvision news and make a bologna sandwich after seeing the devastation and death caused by famine and drought and earthquake and flood. But the artist cannot manage this normalcy. Vision keeps breaking through, and must find means of expression".
- Madeliene L'Engle from Walking on Water
27.4.05
26.4.05
Advantage Number 137 of Having a Five Year Old Son:
Watch neato cartoons while maintining dignified, adult exterior. This one is cool. Makes me wanna run around the living room making lightsaber noises. I mean... I appreciate it for it's artistic merits. ahem.
25.4.05
Ok, we forgive you. Now don't blow it.
Renowned collegiate running back and crybaby Maurice Clarett surprised the world by being drafted in the third round by the Denver Broncos. In the past two years this kid alienated just about every one possible. He took illegal money from boosters, filed false police reports, bad mouthed his school on the eve of their national championship game, accused the coaching staff and atheletic director of NCAA violations, and sued his future employer, the National Football League. But he was also a 19 year old numbskull at the time. Now he's a 22 year old numbskull with a million bucks in his pocket. I really do hope he does ok and gets his attitude straightened out. Time will tell if he has matured or not. Perhaps the clearest indicator will not be how he handles the success, but how he handles it if he fails. Everybody deserves a second chance. Ok, Mo. Here's your second chance. Don't blow it.
23.4.05
Be the difference.
Ok. Most of you who read this blog are like minded enough to have one very big thing in common with the funky presbyterian. We are completely unsatisfied with the way the world functions (malfuntions!) and think things could be a whole lot better. Here is at least one way I'm sure most of you could be involved and make your community a better place for the people who need it the most. Be a Court Appointed Special Advocate for a child who has been abused, or neglected. I am thinking of a few of you specifically! If you think I mean you, you are probably right. Let's not just shake our heads and "tsk, tsk". Let's get something done. I plan to become a CASA just as soon as the formal leadership at Grace Central is in place. To misquote Bruce Cockburn "Let's kick the darkness 'till it bleeds daylight". Click the link above. Make your life an instrument of redemption in the life of a child.
Mr. Mom for the weekend
Charity took Sam and went to Michigan to visit her grandmother this week, leaving Jack and I at home to do the "Men's Weekend" thing which involves the watching of the cartoons, the playing of the star wars, the eating of the donuts, that kind of business. Anyway, I sent Jack upstairs to get dressed this morning and he emerges wearing a pair of baseball pants (you know the kind that come down just past the knee) and a superman pajama shirt. He was weilding lightsabers. (Plural). Not really what I had in mind, but I guess it'll do.
What's Rockin' the Reverend?
This week it's the entire Ryan Adams catalog. Heartbreaker, Demolition, Gold, Rock n Roll, Love is Hell Volumes 1 and 2, and soon there will be a new album out entitled Cold Roses. I know lot's of people don't like this guy. He's arrogant and self destructive. He's a loud mouth. I know all of this. But I also know he can write the heck out of a song. If you are thinking about checking him out, it is generally agreed upon that his best album is heartbreaker, though I actually think gold is far superior. (Rock and Roll is the least necessary album). Hurry up and listen to him now so when he self-destructs you can say you were a fan BEFORE he went "Kurt Cobain" on us.
21.4.05
Grace Central Recieves New Members
Sunday, April 17th Grace Central recieved about fifteen new people into membership. Here's the photo. We are growing slowly but surely.
20.4.05
Ha!
CHICAGO (AP) - Packing on the pounds is not nearly as deadly as the government thought, according to a new calculation from the CDC that found people who are modestly overweight actually have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight...
18.4.05
A Quote
For when you come to think of it, the only way to love a person is not, as the stereotyped Christian notion is, to coddle them and bring them soup when they are sick, but by listening to them and seeing and believing in the god, in the poet, in them. For by doing this, you keep the god and the poet alive and make it flourish. - Brenda Ueland
The quote above was snatched from a blog I read (birty.us). It makes a very good point. Unless that is, you are sick and in need of soup. Then it makes a bad point.
The quote above was snatched from a blog I read (birty.us). It makes a very good point. Unless that is, you are sick and in need of soup. Then it makes a bad point.
15.4.05
April 15th is Jackie Robinson Day!
Happy Jackie Robinson Day. In celebration of this fine holiday, I will be coaching the Robot Monkeys this evening. The Robot Monkeys are a co-ed t-ball team in the city rec center league for ages 5-7.
14.4.05
Helpful Tips for Effective Living
Here is some helpful advice I found online at a place called 43 folders.
1. Pencils are a great way to write things down.
2. Sharpen new pencils soon after you’ve bought them, so you can use them to write things down more easily.
3. Make sure you put gas in your car, or it won’t run very far after you’ve bought it, and then you’ll have trouble getting to work.
4. When you get letters from people, you can send a response by using some paper and one of the pencils I mentioned a little earlier. (Just make sure they’re sharpened!)
5. If you have a long list of things to do, make sure to do some of them sometimes. Make pencil marks by the ones that are “finished.”
6. When people ask you how you’re doing, it’s okay to say “Great! How about you?” They’ll probably have some kind of response, though, so be ready.
7. You can put recipes on your computer and look at them later to make food you like. Tip: You can also write down recipes using the pencils I mentioned earlier.
8. If you’re having trouble getting inspired about something, it’s probably because you’re temporarily lacking inspiration. That’s what you need. You need inspiration.
9. If you keep forgetting your house keys when you go out, you shouldn’t do that any more, or you’ll eventually lock yourself out.
10. It’s easy to remember how many teaspoons are in a quart (192) with this simple mnemonic:
Over nearly every hamburger, under nearly dead raccoons—every delayed nanosecond inculcates nearly every teenager you think wears oranges.
11. Cut your hair when it starts getting long or you’ll eventually have trouble wearing the hats that you enjoy.
12. Try putting your shoes on before you go to work in the morning. The ground is cold and sometimes there are sharp things on the sidewalk. Try taking the car if it has gas in it.
13. If you don’t like the song that’s playing on your stereo, you can put a different one on. This goes for television too, but with pictures.
14. When you get a check from the place you work, you can cash it to buy groceries, soda, and more of the pencils I mentioned earlier.
15. If you have a car, use some of the money you got from your check to buy gas, too.
16. Consider using a desk.
17. If you hear a weird scraping noise when you’re writing something down, make sure that your pencil is still sharpened.
18. Once you’ve sharpened your pencil, give yourself a reminder about the scraping noise.
19. If you forget to wear shoes to work and accidentally get a rusty nail in your foot, you should probably take it out eventually.
20. If you’ve bought pencils and already sharpened them, don’t use them to sign the check you got at work. Pencil marks can be erased fairly easily, then people can steal your money and you wouldn’t be able to buy groceries or soda or gas or more pencils. That’s a hack!
1. Pencils are a great way to write things down.
2. Sharpen new pencils soon after you’ve bought them, so you can use them to write things down more easily.
3. Make sure you put gas in your car, or it won’t run very far after you’ve bought it, and then you’ll have trouble getting to work.
4. When you get letters from people, you can send a response by using some paper and one of the pencils I mentioned a little earlier. (Just make sure they’re sharpened!)
5. If you have a long list of things to do, make sure to do some of them sometimes. Make pencil marks by the ones that are “finished.”
6. When people ask you how you’re doing, it’s okay to say “Great! How about you?” They’ll probably have some kind of response, though, so be ready.
7. You can put recipes on your computer and look at them later to make food you like. Tip: You can also write down recipes using the pencils I mentioned earlier.
8. If you’re having trouble getting inspired about something, it’s probably because you’re temporarily lacking inspiration. That’s what you need. You need inspiration.
9. If you keep forgetting your house keys when you go out, you shouldn’t do that any more, or you’ll eventually lock yourself out.
10. It’s easy to remember how many teaspoons are in a quart (192) with this simple mnemonic:
Over nearly every hamburger, under nearly dead raccoons—every delayed nanosecond inculcates nearly every teenager you think wears oranges.
11. Cut your hair when it starts getting long or you’ll eventually have trouble wearing the hats that you enjoy.
12. Try putting your shoes on before you go to work in the morning. The ground is cold and sometimes there are sharp things on the sidewalk. Try taking the car if it has gas in it.
13. If you don’t like the song that’s playing on your stereo, you can put a different one on. This goes for television too, but with pictures.
14. When you get a check from the place you work, you can cash it to buy groceries, soda, and more of the pencils I mentioned earlier.
15. If you have a car, use some of the money you got from your check to buy gas, too.
16. Consider using a desk.
17. If you hear a weird scraping noise when you’re writing something down, make sure that your pencil is still sharpened.
18. Once you’ve sharpened your pencil, give yourself a reminder about the scraping noise.
19. If you forget to wear shoes to work and accidentally get a rusty nail in your foot, you should probably take it out eventually.
20. If you’ve bought pencils and already sharpened them, don’t use them to sign the check you got at work. Pencil marks can be erased fairly easily, then people can steal your money and you wouldn’t be able to buy groceries or soda or gas or more pencils. That’s a hack!
Family Day Concludes With Construction of Couch Cushion Fort!
Thursdays are my day off. I usually try to spend lots of time with the family on Thursdays. Today was a good day full of family fun. We went to lunch at Taco Bell (Jack's choice) and then drove up to Clintonville where we stopped at Cover to Cover (a children's book store) and looked for a copy of Aesop's Fables. No luck. We bought Sam a floppy stuffed Grover doll, upon which he promptly vomitted (squash). Elmo gets all the press these days, but everybody knows Grover is way cooler. Then we drove up to Old Worthington and walked around. Grabbed some ice cream at Grater's and then returned home. Charity put Sam down for another nap (no dice) while Jack and I walked to a park known in our family as "Hello Papa Park" (it's a long story). We returned home and after dinner, the boys and I constructed a fort from couch cushions and dining room chairs. We sat in it and watched the Justice League battle the evil outerspace alien invaders. The good guys won. Again. So, now the boys are in bed and I'm turing my attention to some work I must get done before tomorrow.
I'd really like to write more tonight. The way I see it, the Christian life is a lot like building a couch cushion fort in the living room. But alas, I have no time. Maybe next week.
I'd really like to write more tonight. The way I see it, the Christian life is a lot like building a couch cushion fort in the living room. But alas, I have no time. Maybe next week.
13.4.05
A Secret Website
Click the above link to read a sobering website. If this does not break our hearts, there is something wrong with us.
Artist of the Week: Chuck Close
Chuck Close was born in 1940 and has worked for 30 years plus. He emerged as a talented photorealist who did mostly portraits. Big ones. If you've enver seen a Chuck Close work up close, you won't forget it. Here's a favorite of mine. Be sure to check him out on line. He has an extremely unique method of working which I think you'll appreciate.
12.4.05
Helpful Christian assists Funky Presbyterian in development of humility.
While eating lunch today (I'll not say with whom), these words were spoken to me in the presence of my peers:
"Who wants a short, fat, bald pastor?"
Thank you. Thank you very much. (Now, who wants a doc marten in the adam's apple?)
"Who wants a short, fat, bald pastor?"
Thank you. Thank you very much. (Now, who wants a doc marten in the adam's apple?)
Listening to Mark Heard Today
He was never very famous and he died pretty young. His music now sounds slightly dated to me, but the lyrics are as poignant as ever. When I listen to this guy sing, it makes me love God more and gives me courage for life. Can't explain it, really. Here's one of my favorites. I needed to hear these words this morning. Hope you like it.
Orphans Of God - by Mark Heard
I will rise from my bed with a question again
As I work to inherit the restless wind
The view from my window is cold and obscene
I want to touch what my eyes haven't seen
But they have packaged our virtue in cellulose dreams
And sold us the remnants 'til our pockets are clean
'Til our hopes fall 'round our feet
Like the dust of dead leaves
And we end up looking like what we believe
We are soot-covered urchins running wild and unshod
We will always be remembered as the orphans of God
They will dig up these ruins and make flutes of our bones
And blow a hymn to the memory of the orphans of God
Like bees in a bottle we are flying at fate
Beating our wings against the walls of this place
Unaware that the struggle is the blood of the proof
In choosing to believe the unbelievable truth
But they have captured our siblings and rendered them mute
They've disputed our lineage and poisoned our roots
We have bought from the brokers who have broken their oaths
And we're out on the streets with a lump in our throats
We are soot-covered urchins running wild and unshod
We will always be remembered as the orphans of God
They will dig up these ruins
And make flutes of our bones
And blow a hymn to the memory of the orphans of God
Orphans Of God - by Mark Heard
I will rise from my bed with a question again
As I work to inherit the restless wind
The view from my window is cold and obscene
I want to touch what my eyes haven't seen
But they have packaged our virtue in cellulose dreams
And sold us the remnants 'til our pockets are clean
'Til our hopes fall 'round our feet
Like the dust of dead leaves
And we end up looking like what we believe
We are soot-covered urchins running wild and unshod
We will always be remembered as the orphans of God
They will dig up these ruins and make flutes of our bones
And blow a hymn to the memory of the orphans of God
Like bees in a bottle we are flying at fate
Beating our wings against the walls of this place
Unaware that the struggle is the blood of the proof
In choosing to believe the unbelievable truth
But they have captured our siblings and rendered them mute
They've disputed our lineage and poisoned our roots
We have bought from the brokers who have broken their oaths
And we're out on the streets with a lump in our throats
We are soot-covered urchins running wild and unshod
We will always be remembered as the orphans of God
They will dig up these ruins
And make flutes of our bones
And blow a hymn to the memory of the orphans of God
11.4.05
AND THE ROUND HOUSE TOO?!?! What will Roberta Couch do now? (Apologies to the 85% of you who don't know anything about Greenville).
My good friend Matt, who still resides in the city of Greenville forwards this list of attractions forever banished from the 'Ville.
1) The Round House
2) The Donutt Shoppe (for us east siders)
3) The Big N
4) Harts
5) Murphy's Mart
6) Eikenberry's North, Old School
7) Eikenberry's North, New School
8) The big giant Sputnik-looking thing on top of the Vints sign
9) The Hamburger Shop
10) The Party Dock
11) McMillers
12) The convenience store by the county jail
13) Winter Sports Festival
14) K of C Dances
15) The Broadway street festival when they dropped ping pong balls with prizes in them from planes
16) Funky P's wife's apartment next to Ace Lumber (ghandi two weeks ago)
17) The Green Wave painting around the water tower
P.S. They're putting in a brand new decorative fountain in the circle in the near future. I saw the plans for it in the Mayor's orifice.
1) The Round House
2) The Donutt Shoppe (for us east siders)
3) The Big N
4) Harts
5) Murphy's Mart
6) Eikenberry's North, Old School
7) Eikenberry's North, New School
8) The big giant Sputnik-looking thing on top of the Vints sign
9) The Hamburger Shop
10) The Party Dock
11) McMillers
12) The convenience store by the county jail
13) Winter Sports Festival
14) K of C Dances
15) The Broadway street festival when they dropped ping pong balls with prizes in them from planes
16) Funky P's wife's apartment next to Ace Lumber (ghandi two weeks ago)
17) The Green Wave painting around the water tower
P.S. They're putting in a brand new decorative fountain in the circle in the near future. I saw the plans for it in the Mayor's orifice.
10.4.05
Reader's Poll
I need your help! I am conducting a research project that is very important. And secret. It's for the government or something. Here's the question: What word would you have most likely used to describe the item in this photo between the years 1981 and 1987? Is this a "Boom Box" or a "Ghetto Blaster"?
I remember what a big deal it was to have a really big stereo to carry around on your shoulder. Once when I was in like the fourth grade or something, I was at the YMCA and there were all these really cool teenagers playing basketball in the gym and one of them had a stereo so big it had a television built right into it. I was convinced the owner and operator of that stereo must have been the all time coolest dude ever. EVER! Who knows what I'm saying? If you are reading this PLEASE take a moment and respond to this very imprortant poll. it's for the good of mankind or whatever. Also, feel free to leave your memories of the giant stereos of yore. Thanks.
Boom Box or Ghetto Blaster?
I remember what a big deal it was to have a really big stereo to carry around on your shoulder. Once when I was in like the fourth grade or something, I was at the YMCA and there were all these really cool teenagers playing basketball in the gym and one of them had a stereo so big it had a television built right into it. I was convinced the owner and operator of that stereo must have been the all time coolest dude ever. EVER! Who knows what I'm saying? If you are reading this PLEASE take a moment and respond to this very imprortant poll. it's for the good of mankind or whatever. Also, feel free to leave your memories of the giant stereos of yore. Thanks.
Boom Box or Ghetto Blaster?
A Good Book
Worth the price just for the title.
"A person has to be thoroughly disgusted with the way things are to find the motivation to set out on the Christian way. As long as we think that the next election might eliminate crime and establish justice or another scientific breakthrough might save the environment or another pay raise might push us over the edge of anxiety into a life of tranquility, we are not likely to risk the arduous uncertainties of the life of faith. A person has to get fed up with the ways of the world before he, before she, acquires an appetite for the world of grace. Psalm 120 is the song of such a person, sick with the lies and crippled with the hate, a person doubled up in pain over what is going on in the world..."
"A person has to be thoroughly disgusted with the way things are to find the motivation to set out on the Christian way. As long as we think that the next election might eliminate crime and establish justice or another scientific breakthrough might save the environment or another pay raise might push us over the edge of anxiety into a life of tranquility, we are not likely to risk the arduous uncertainties of the life of faith. A person has to get fed up with the ways of the world before he, before she, acquires an appetite for the world of grace. Psalm 120 is the song of such a person, sick with the lies and crippled with the hate, a person doubled up in pain over what is going on in the world..."
Who Remembers These 10 Things No Longer Found in Greenville, Ohio?
1. Flag Wars
2. The Mock Rock
3. The really really tall slide at the park
4. Lotsa Dots
5. Ed Cornell's
6. Water in the fountain on the circle
7. Lightning & Banjoman
8. Murphy's (They sold candy and parakeets!)
9. Annie Oakley Days on the Museum grounds
10. Cruising Broadway
2. The Mock Rock
3. The really really tall slide at the park
4. Lotsa Dots
5. Ed Cornell's
6. Water in the fountain on the circle
7. Lightning & Banjoman
8. Murphy's (They sold candy and parakeets!)
9. Annie Oakley Days on the Museum grounds
10. Cruising Broadway
Moderately Embarassing Biographical Fact # 1
I really enjoy watching Ultimate Fighting Championship.
Vigilante of Suburban Coffee Shops
Bill Mallonee, former lead singer & chief architect of Athens, Georgia based alt-country act Vigilantes of Love performed solo at Scotty McBeans in a Columbus, Ohio suburb just mile from my home this past week. And when I say he performed "solo" I mean "SOLO". The poor guy travels the country in a rented car with his guitars in the back seat. He runs his own soundboard, sells his own merchandise, tunes his own guitars, chauferrs himself to and from venues... The only thing he didn't do is run the cappucino machine. Anyway, the show was rewarding. Bill ran through a slew of favorites from his days with VOL as well as newer works from his three solo albums.
If you've never listened to Bill or VOL, I recommend you give it a spin. Expect a peculiar vocal style (ala Dylan or Neil Young) and lot's of poignant lyrics. I know this sounds odd, but I think Mallonee's lyrics have had as much influence on the way I want to approach preaching as any contemporary author or homiletician. In fact, there a handful of lines from his lyrics that I've carried around with me for years, in the back of my mind. They're always there and shape the way I think about life and God and faith. Bleeding heart sewn securely to thread-bare sleeve. Here's a few:
All this stuff I thought was jewelry turns out to be chains.
Take the true and the real from the false and the fake and the mountains reduce to rubble.
The Doctor is in, the surgery is free, he use no anasthetics but its all guaranteed
It's amazing what you'll sell when you're not doing that well, the stories you will tell to make you a friend
How much of this was meant to be, How much the work of the devil? How far can one man's eyes really see in these days of toil and trouble?
Are there any words of wisdom I've picked up along the way? Yes, death usually comes dressed up in her finery and lace. Hasn't eveyone in these bars been crying inside their whole life through? Well you might think we've ceased to hear it but no, the opposite's true.
It's all over, there's no explanation. All that's left is the messy clean up operation.
I have a picture. Wish it was a photograph. You were holding little children, right there upon your lap. Its never cold in that picture, as far as I can tell, but outside the rain has changed to snow and its frozen in the well.
This is dangerous terrain we're attemtping to traverse. It's a crying shame, but it could be alot worse.
Jim and Tammy and Reverend Swaggart, they don't look like Jesus & they're a whole lot fatter, Don't miss the Truth for a stupid side show, & don't confuse the cup for the contents it holds
I'm so tired of all my toys, they never last for long. They keep beaming dreams and wishes to the big dish on my front lawn. I want to drink out of that fountain on a hill called double cure. I want show you my allegience. I want to be a son of yours.
Your lips were alluring and slightly moist, so let's kiss away our part of the curse.
We've been dragging our dreams across the asphalt and pavement, trying to speak of the gift and the one who gave it.
If you've never listened to Bill or VOL, I recommend you give it a spin. Expect a peculiar vocal style (ala Dylan or Neil Young) and lot's of poignant lyrics. I know this sounds odd, but I think Mallonee's lyrics have had as much influence on the way I want to approach preaching as any contemporary author or homiletician. In fact, there a handful of lines from his lyrics that I've carried around with me for years, in the back of my mind. They're always there and shape the way I think about life and God and faith. Bleeding heart sewn securely to thread-bare sleeve. Here's a few:
All this stuff I thought was jewelry turns out to be chains.
Take the true and the real from the false and the fake and the mountains reduce to rubble.
The Doctor is in, the surgery is free, he use no anasthetics but its all guaranteed
It's amazing what you'll sell when you're not doing that well, the stories you will tell to make you a friend
How much of this was meant to be, How much the work of the devil? How far can one man's eyes really see in these days of toil and trouble?
Are there any words of wisdom I've picked up along the way? Yes, death usually comes dressed up in her finery and lace. Hasn't eveyone in these bars been crying inside their whole life through? Well you might think we've ceased to hear it but no, the opposite's true.
It's all over, there's no explanation. All that's left is the messy clean up operation.
I have a picture. Wish it was a photograph. You were holding little children, right there upon your lap. Its never cold in that picture, as far as I can tell, but outside the rain has changed to snow and its frozen in the well.
This is dangerous terrain we're attemtping to traverse. It's a crying shame, but it could be alot worse.
Jim and Tammy and Reverend Swaggart, they don't look like Jesus & they're a whole lot fatter, Don't miss the Truth for a stupid side show, & don't confuse the cup for the contents it holds
I'm so tired of all my toys, they never last for long. They keep beaming dreams and wishes to the big dish on my front lawn. I want to drink out of that fountain on a hill called double cure. I want show you my allegience. I want to be a son of yours.
Your lips were alluring and slightly moist, so let's kiss away our part of the curse.
We've been dragging our dreams across the asphalt and pavement, trying to speak of the gift and the one who gave it.
7.4.05
Rock & Roll Frontman Strengthens Case for Eternal Damnation with Clever Ruse
This from the Tool website:
Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."
Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."
6.4.05
Anonymous Comments Now Accepted
Changed some settings. No need to register. Comment 'til your heart's content. Or comment your heart's content. Or both.
Jewish Carpenter finds lost Tool
Sorry about the headline... I couldn't resist.
This from MTV news:
Has Maynard James Keenan, the frontman of both the dark, heavy-metal art band Tool and the somewhat lighter A Perfect Circle, found Jesus and been born again? Well ...
Recent postings on two Tool Web sites — one of them purportedly by Keenan himself — contend that the singer has found religion and has left Tool. Could this really be? On Tuesday afternoon (April 5), MTV News' Kurt Loder e-mailed Keenan for confirmation, and this is what he e-mailed back: "I did, in fact, find Jesus. More news to follow. God bless ya."
Keenan's letter to fan site toolshed.down.net explains that "some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of Jesus" and that "Tool will need to take the back seat." A posting on Tool's Web site alludes to Maynard's newfound Christianity as well, but who wrote the post is unclear. It reads, "I went to the studio to give Maynard a bottle of wine ... [and] not only wasn't Maynard there, but ... I was told Maynard has indeed 'found Jesus' and that, for this reason, he's abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely."
But given their timing (one dated March 31, the other April 1), both posts were dismissed as April Fools' pranks, leaving fans wondering whether Keenan and the rest of Tool were just having a little fun with everyone.
The band's management could not be reached for comment or confirmation on the matter.
Keenan would be the second rocker in as many months to profess a renewed interest in religion. In late February, Korn's management formally announced that guitarist Brian "Head" Welch was leaving his band to rededicate his life to Christianity (see "Brian 'Head' Welch Talks God To 10,000 In California Church").
Whether Keenan — the man responsible for songs like "Prison Sex" and "Jerk-Off" and who for a time carried business cards with the name "Jesus H. Christ" printed on them — will become the second rocker to turn his back on a high-profile, highly successful band to follow a more spiritual path remains something of a question mark for the time being. But at least one person expressed glee over Keenan's apparent decision: Head.
"This is a beautiful, beautiful outpouring of the Holy Spirit," Welch wrote in an e-mail to MTV News.
This from MTV news:
Has Maynard James Keenan, the frontman of both the dark, heavy-metal art band Tool and the somewhat lighter A Perfect Circle, found Jesus and been born again? Well ...
Recent postings on two Tool Web sites — one of them purportedly by Keenan himself — contend that the singer has found religion and has left Tool. Could this really be? On Tuesday afternoon (April 5), MTV News' Kurt Loder e-mailed Keenan for confirmation, and this is what he e-mailed back: "I did, in fact, find Jesus. More news to follow. God bless ya."
Keenan's letter to fan site toolshed.down.net explains that "some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of Jesus" and that "Tool will need to take the back seat." A posting on Tool's Web site alludes to Maynard's newfound Christianity as well, but who wrote the post is unclear. It reads, "I went to the studio to give Maynard a bottle of wine ... [and] not only wasn't Maynard there, but ... I was told Maynard has indeed 'found Jesus' and that, for this reason, he's abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely."
But given their timing (one dated March 31, the other April 1), both posts were dismissed as April Fools' pranks, leaving fans wondering whether Keenan and the rest of Tool were just having a little fun with everyone.
The band's management could not be reached for comment or confirmation on the matter.
Keenan would be the second rocker in as many months to profess a renewed interest in religion. In late February, Korn's management formally announced that guitarist Brian "Head" Welch was leaving his band to rededicate his life to Christianity (see "Brian 'Head' Welch Talks God To 10,000 In California Church").
Whether Keenan — the man responsible for songs like "Prison Sex" and "Jerk-Off" and who for a time carried business cards with the name "Jesus H. Christ" printed on them — will become the second rocker to turn his back on a high-profile, highly successful band to follow a more spiritual path remains something of a question mark for the time being. But at least one person expressed glee over Keenan's apparent decision: Head.
"This is a beautiful, beautiful outpouring of the Holy Spirit," Welch wrote in an e-mail to MTV News.
5.4.05
Ramen du jour
Bowl Noodle Hot by Nong Shim. This stuff will put hair on your chest. HOT HOT HOT! But so tasty.
We are the strangest of all creatures.
We dwell in the deep, cold crevices of the ocean's bottom. We are crushed down by the pressure of a thousand million tons of water, salt and sea foam. We adapt. We adjust. Our tiny insides push back with an equal and opposite pressure. We survive. It's really quite amazing, actually. Even we're not sure how we do it. We just do it. Something in us pushes back. It is something in us. But it is not us.
Recently Charity and I learned that someone we love has been hurt deeply. Heinously violated. Someone innocent. It was a very bad day when we discovered the truth. You try to make a difference in the world, to make your contribution, to work some redemption into all of this deep, cold chaos and then one day you come into a moment of glaring clarity when you realize that in a matter of minutes, some sorry bastard has gone and undone a whole little lifetime of love and compassion in one fell swoop. What has been done cannot be undone. And we are pressed down by the weight of it all. But something in us pushes back with an equal and opposite pressure. It is in us, but it is not us. And we are not crushed.
So there's this shrimp that lives deep down in the ocean. Deep down where the light doesn't reach. Where the sun is thought to be a myth. A memory. A legend. But the shrimp knows otherwise. Not because he sees it. He doesn't. I'm pretty sure his eyes don't funtion very well, anyway. But at least he has eyes. Many of the creatures who live down here don't have them at all, you know. It's as if they've given up all hope of ever seeing the sun and surrendered their eyes to the blackness in exchange for boney spines and razor teeth. This shrimp doesn't have that stuff, the spines and the teeth. He's got something else. It's called bioluminescent projectile vomit. Listen to this. When he's threatened by some creature of the deep (probably the kind with boney spines and razor teeth) the shrimp opens his mouth and spews forth a dose of luminous light into the darkness that surrounds him. He pukes sunlight. And all the creatures of the dark run for cover. That's a heckuvalot cooler than boney spines and razor teeth, don't you think?
And so how do we respond when pressed down by the cold and threatened by all the creatures of this dark world which threaten to undo us and the ones we love? I know how I want to respond. I want to say "God damn the man who hurt you" and "God damn the system that failed you" and "God damn the world where this suffering happens". But boney spines and razor teeth can never do what sunlight does. They can never dispell the darkness. (Besides I sold those weapons years ago for a slice of sourdough and a bottle of chardonay). Instead, the strangest thing happens. Something in me wells up and I open my mouth and vomit sunlight forth into the black cold depths. And the dark is a little less dark. This is the turning of the cheek. It's the loving of the enemy. It's the denial of self. The selling of all we have and the giving to the poor. Its the "I love you even though" in place of the "I love you because". And it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, that the sunlight should make it's way from the surface, all the way down here without being seen, only to shine forth from the insides of a spineless, toothless shrimp of a fish. But that's exactly what happens. (And that's how the shrimp knows what he knows about the sun).
And so I still believe grace can change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. And I will not stop believing this. And I will not stop living like this is true. We are strange creatures indeed, but it's not like we can help it. It's not us. It's the one in us. Allelujah. Amen.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - The Apostle Paul
Recently Charity and I learned that someone we love has been hurt deeply. Heinously violated. Someone innocent. It was a very bad day when we discovered the truth. You try to make a difference in the world, to make your contribution, to work some redemption into all of this deep, cold chaos and then one day you come into a moment of glaring clarity when you realize that in a matter of minutes, some sorry bastard has gone and undone a whole little lifetime of love and compassion in one fell swoop. What has been done cannot be undone. And we are pressed down by the weight of it all. But something in us pushes back with an equal and opposite pressure. It is in us, but it is not us. And we are not crushed.
So there's this shrimp that lives deep down in the ocean. Deep down where the light doesn't reach. Where the sun is thought to be a myth. A memory. A legend. But the shrimp knows otherwise. Not because he sees it. He doesn't. I'm pretty sure his eyes don't funtion very well, anyway. But at least he has eyes. Many of the creatures who live down here don't have them at all, you know. It's as if they've given up all hope of ever seeing the sun and surrendered their eyes to the blackness in exchange for boney spines and razor teeth. This shrimp doesn't have that stuff, the spines and the teeth. He's got something else. It's called bioluminescent projectile vomit. Listen to this. When he's threatened by some creature of the deep (probably the kind with boney spines and razor teeth) the shrimp opens his mouth and spews forth a dose of luminous light into the darkness that surrounds him. He pukes sunlight. And all the creatures of the dark run for cover. That's a heckuvalot cooler than boney spines and razor teeth, don't you think?
And so how do we respond when pressed down by the cold and threatened by all the creatures of this dark world which threaten to undo us and the ones we love? I know how I want to respond. I want to say "God damn the man who hurt you" and "God damn the system that failed you" and "God damn the world where this suffering happens". But boney spines and razor teeth can never do what sunlight does. They can never dispell the darkness. (Besides I sold those weapons years ago for a slice of sourdough and a bottle of chardonay). Instead, the strangest thing happens. Something in me wells up and I open my mouth and vomit sunlight forth into the black cold depths. And the dark is a little less dark. This is the turning of the cheek. It's the loving of the enemy. It's the denial of self. The selling of all we have and the giving to the poor. Its the "I love you even though" in place of the "I love you because". And it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, that the sunlight should make it's way from the surface, all the way down here without being seen, only to shine forth from the insides of a spineless, toothless shrimp of a fish. But that's exactly what happens. (And that's how the shrimp knows what he knows about the sun).
And so I still believe grace can change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. And I will not stop believing this. And I will not stop living like this is true. We are strange creatures indeed, but it's not like we can help it. It's not us. It's the one in us. Allelujah. Amen.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - The Apostle Paul
Change his world.
For $30 a month you can sponsor a child through World Vision. Your contribution will provide a child with the nutritional, medical and educational supplies needed for him to be healthy and happy. Click the title of this post to go to the World Vision Website. They're legit. If you decide to sponsor a child, let us know. Then tell someone else about it.
A few months ago we signed Jack up to sponsor a little boy from Kenya named Flinton. He is Jack's new pen pal. They were born the same month, same year, but worlds apart in nearly every other way. Below is a letter Jack recently wrote to Flinton.
Dear Flinton,
Do you know the true God? I know him, but I don't remember how I got to know the true God. Church is where you find out about him and the sing songs about him. And there is also a childrens' church. They tell stories that happened a long time ago when Jesus was around. The stories are about Jesus and some other guys. Church for babies is called nursery, but they don't tell them about Jesus. But they have toys in the room. Jesus is so powerful, he can stop anything if it's something somebody is afraid of. He can even make somebody come back alive. He can do anything, but he never sins. He just does good stuff. He loves us more than anyone and theres no end of it! (When there's an exclamation point you don't have to put a period there). Jesus made everything. We can pray to him. Jesus can do all kinds of stuff.
I like to play a game called t-ball. Before, I played t-ball I played a game called gymnastics. In gymnastics you have to do these fun things, but i do not like the uneven bars. T-ball has stuff called T's and it's not the letter . It's something else called T. You put a ball on it and then you get a bat and then you swing the ball off of it. Then you run to first base and when the person who is coach says I run to second base, and then I run to third base and then I run back to the T which is called homebase. Homebase is like zero base. The mail will take this letter to your house.
Bye,
Jack
A few months ago we signed Jack up to sponsor a little boy from Kenya named Flinton. He is Jack's new pen pal. They were born the same month, same year, but worlds apart in nearly every other way. Below is a letter Jack recently wrote to Flinton.
Dear Flinton,
Do you know the true God? I know him, but I don't remember how I got to know the true God. Church is where you find out about him and the sing songs about him. And there is also a childrens' church. They tell stories that happened a long time ago when Jesus was around. The stories are about Jesus and some other guys. Church for babies is called nursery, but they don't tell them about Jesus. But they have toys in the room. Jesus is so powerful, he can stop anything if it's something somebody is afraid of. He can even make somebody come back alive. He can do anything, but he never sins. He just does good stuff. He loves us more than anyone and theres no end of it! (When there's an exclamation point you don't have to put a period there). Jesus made everything. We can pray to him. Jesus can do all kinds of stuff.
I like to play a game called t-ball. Before, I played t-ball I played a game called gymnastics. In gymnastics you have to do these fun things, but i do not like the uneven bars. T-ball has stuff called T's and it's not the letter . It's something else called T. You put a ball on it and then you get a bat and then you swing the ball off of it. Then you run to first base and when the person who is coach says I run to second base, and then I run to third base and then I run back to the T which is called homebase. Homebase is like zero base. The mail will take this letter to your house.
Bye,
Jack
Artist of the Week: Max Beckmann
I've decided to add another feature to the 'ol blog. Artist of the Week. (Boy, you guys sure are getting your money's worth). So here it is: A painting by Max Beckmann. Beckmann was a German born painter who worked during the first half of the 20th century. He moved to the states and taught in St Louis for a while before moving to NYC where he died in 1950. His work is usually bold and colorful. He did many self-portraits, but my favorites are the narratives (like this one). Let me know what you think and you can check the web for more about his life and his art.
The Edge & Funky Presbyterian Not On Speaking Terms
I paid some Irish millionaires $40 for the opportunity to order tickets to their concert before sales were opened to the general public. Ordered tickets. They were $100 a piece. The seats aren't all that great. Sold the tickets to some friends at face value. $100 for tickets is just getting out of control. Tell Mr. The Edge I'm not speaking to him until the tour is over.
Sprung?
Finally, spring seems to have arrived for real. Let's all keep our fingers crossed and hope we don't get doused with another flurry of snow like we did last week! The sunshine and warmer weather has allowed me to spend a little time outside with Jack in the yard, at the park, and on the front steps where this photo was snapped. Hooray for sunshine!
What's Rockin' the Reverend?
I really enjoy posting about artists that many of you may not be familiar with. In fact, one of my greatest joys in life is unearthing some new or obscure musical delight from the far reaches of the cd rack at one of the local, independant rock and roll record stores here in the city. So it is with great inner conflict that I make this post. I've recently acquired Beck's new album Guero (it's a B+) as well as Over the Rhine's Drunkard's Prayer (A-). The Frames' record Burn the Maps came highly recommended as well, but I haven't yet fully embraced it. On the floor of my car there are albums by Richard Buckner, the Firey Furnaces, Iron and Wine, Arcade Fire, and Franz Ferdinand. These are on the floor, while the cd player is occupied by a quite different tenant. I've got M. Ward, I've got Anthony and the Johnsons, Blonde Redhead, and Earlimart. I could write about Kevin Thista's Red Terror and their Beatlesque pop rock masterpiece Wake Up Captain or Bright Eyes' simultaneously pensive and explosive post modern piece of folk artistry entitled "I'm Wide Awake and it's Morning". Perhaps next week I will. Alas, I cannot tell a lie. This week I have been rocked by Kanye West and his hip hop offering "College Drop Out". It is not new or obscure. Heck... It's not even rock and roll. And yet the frequency and magnitude of the rocking it has delivered to the funky presbyterian over the last several days must be acknowledged. Of course I address this record with some ambivalence. While about half of the album I heartily endorse and even recommend to the discerning listener (there is a "clean" version available for those who would prefer), the other half of the album is filled with content I simply cannot endorse. (I'm not referring to particular vocabulary which is most likely the reason for the parental advisory label). Those of you who know me, know I am not prudish as relates to my interaction with the broader culture. And still the misogony strikes me as particularly unhealthy, offensive, and inconsistent with the bulk of Kanye's weltenshaung. (Google that). Of course the possibility always remains that the objectional content is parody. I have a hunch some of it is, but I am not sure. Probably I am too presbyterian and not nearly funky enough to detect the subtleties of hip-hop parody.
Those parts of the album that are good and uplifting are very good and very uplifting to me personally. This album makes me wanna boogy. Pure and simple. Plus there is a considerable amount of incisive cultural critique, and spiritual insight. the likes of which we Christians should hope to hear in our churches and seminaries! Consider these excerpts from Mr. West's "flow" :(wow, I even sound white just typing that sentence).
"Obscene, we living the american dream, the people highest up got the lowest self esteem, the prettiest people do the ugliest things for the road to riches and diamond rings"
"We buy our way out of jail, but we can't buy freedom, we buy a lot of clothes but we don't really need 'em, the things we buy to cover up what's inside, cause they made us hate ourself and love their wealth... I wanna act ballerific, like it's all terrific, I got a couple past due bills, I won't get specific, I got a problem with spending before I get it, we're all self conscious, I'm just the first to admit it"
"And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrong (jesus walk with me) I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long"
"I ain't here to argue about his facial features, but here to convert atheists into believers, I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers, the way Kathy Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus"
And one last note, there's some guy named J. Ivy who raps near the middle of the song Never Let Me Down. His portion of the song is the most powerful piece of poetry I've heard since Bob Dylan's Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. Every time I hear it I am bowled over by it's power and profundity. I could reprint it here, but you must hear it to appreciate it rightly.
"Take 'em to Church".
Those parts of the album that are good and uplifting are very good and very uplifting to me personally. This album makes me wanna boogy. Pure and simple. Plus there is a considerable amount of incisive cultural critique, and spiritual insight. the likes of which we Christians should hope to hear in our churches and seminaries! Consider these excerpts from Mr. West's "flow" :(wow, I even sound white just typing that sentence).
"Obscene, we living the american dream, the people highest up got the lowest self esteem, the prettiest people do the ugliest things for the road to riches and diamond rings"
"We buy our way out of jail, but we can't buy freedom, we buy a lot of clothes but we don't really need 'em, the things we buy to cover up what's inside, cause they made us hate ourself and love their wealth... I wanna act ballerific, like it's all terrific, I got a couple past due bills, I won't get specific, I got a problem with spending before I get it, we're all self conscious, I'm just the first to admit it"
"And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrong (jesus walk with me) I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long"
"I ain't here to argue about his facial features, but here to convert atheists into believers, I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers, the way Kathy Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus"
And one last note, there's some guy named J. Ivy who raps near the middle of the song Never Let Me Down. His portion of the song is the most powerful piece of poetry I've heard since Bob Dylan's Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. Every time I hear it I am bowled over by it's power and profundity. I could reprint it here, but you must hear it to appreciate it rightly.
"Take 'em to Church".
1.4.05
Be This Guy
We at funky presbyterian declare ourselves to be the winner of the last "Be This Guy" competition. Come on, readers. Put some effort into it for petesake! Let's see what you've got. Our research staff has been hard at work scouring the digital domains of the world wide web in search of the perfect photo for this week's contest. A very special thanks to those of you who have been participating. You've done a great job. And to the rest of you... we're not angry. We're just disappointed.
World's Oldest Sport- Nation's Newest League
This past week a new professional sports league made it's national debut on television. Real Pro Wrestling (RPW) can be seen on the PAX network in most areas on Sundays at 4pm and on Fox Sports Net on Wednesdays at 3pm. The survival of wrestling as a competetive sport in this country could depend on the success of this new league. You can visit the RPW website for an explanation of rules, team rosters, and quicktime clips of the action. Click the title of this post to check it out.
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