3.5.05
Deep Thoughts - by Jack Handy
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
God and Mowing
Mowing the lawn has to be my all time least favorite religious activity to engage in. And I imagine it will remain so unless and until I am ever martyred for my faith. Even then it would be a close call. So I wrote the post below to make it fun and exciting.
(And yes, mowing the lawin IS a religious activity. It is inherently theological. Discuss...)
(And yes, mowing the lawin IS a religious activity. It is inherently theological. Discuss...)
Lawn Care League Season 9 Underway!
Yesterday afternoon was opening day. It was the spring classic. The great competition for which sports fans the world over wait in anticipation: the first match of the 2005 BLCL (The Blosser Lawn Care League) season. Now in it's ninth season, the BLCL still only has two teams in active competition: Mower and Grass. But the limited number of competitors only testifies to the elite nature of the league.
The predictors, and prognosticators had been pontificating for weeks, their endless speculation and calculation reaching a furious high on Monday, just before the filler-up-ing of the ceremonial gasoline tank, the honor of which fell once again to yours truly, the founder of the league as well as co-owner of both clubs.
Most of the pundits had been saying the smart money was on team Mower. They quoted their statistics, "After eight seasons, team Mower is undefeated", ""team Grass has not yet made a post season appearance", "Grass has nothing to withstand the multiple horsepower of Mower's spinning blades of death". However, there were also a few experts that were holding out for an upset. "Team Grass has grown a lot in the off season", "reports from the preseason workouts say Mower is looking a little rusty", "Mower has dominated for years, but the effects of age are sure to kick in" "Everyone knows the mower offense is not as sharp as it once was, and how far can its performace slip in a league of this caliber before its dynasty ends?"
On and on the specualtion continued but no one could have forseen the events that were about to transpire. Grass looked on with it's cool motionless game face as Mower went through its pregame warm ups. There was the dusting off of the cob webs (literally). The priming of the fuel injector. And then the pull start.
Nothing.
Again the pull of the cord. Nothing. Again and again the rip start pull cord technique was proving futile to regain the spark necessary to even get team Mower onto the playing surface. It was shocking. And embarassing. Not in eight prior years of competition had team Mower displayed this level of failure. Sure, there had been mishaps. In 99 there was that rock that bent the blades. But mower pushed through the pain and finished strong. And of course we all recall the injury near the end of the 01 season that resulted in a total spark plug replacement procedure. But mower was able to rehab in the off season and come back strong for 02. But this was different. There were whispers of a "Mike Tyson-esque meltdown" and a "Bo Jackson-like career ending injury". Tragically these murmurs were exactly correct. Team Mower was unable to take the field and the ol' faithful champ was retired immediately. Mower did recieve a standing ovation and said something about considering himself "the luckiest gardening implement in the world" or something like that.
After the shocking upset, Grass commented, "We just wanted to go out there and give it a hundred and ten percent. We want to thank all the fans who've stuck by us through the last eight seasons and we wanna say we believe this victory is an indication of a new direction for the club. All we can do is go out there bring our best game and God-willing we'll be there in September when the championships roll around".
As team Grass celebrated in the front yard... (well um.. I guess team Grass IS the front yard) representatives of team Mower were already hard at work recruiting new talent. Late Monday afternoon team Mower signed a hot young prospect from the Lowes organization after negotiations reached an agreed price of approximately $84. This new athlete (ironically also named "Mower") is smaller, and lighter than his revered predecessor. Critics say he has no power and he is far too quiet to attract fans, while supporters of New Mower say his low cost and eco-friendly "push" style of play harkens back to the golden age of the sport and sets a good example of responsible behavior for the kids.
Later that same evening team Mower got a chance to see their new man perform. New Mower soundly defeated Grass once again. While the victory was not as quick nor as thorough as those of Old Mower, it was a good showing by a rookie in a tough league. And everyone expects New Mower to grow even stronger as he becomes more familiar with the Team Mower system and the peculiarities of the playing surface. New Mower was quoted as saying "I must admire the tenacity of Grass and its determination to come back time and again".
After the defeat Grass was devestated and declined comment.
The predictors, and prognosticators had been pontificating for weeks, their endless speculation and calculation reaching a furious high on Monday, just before the filler-up-ing of the ceremonial gasoline tank, the honor of which fell once again to yours truly, the founder of the league as well as co-owner of both clubs.
Most of the pundits had been saying the smart money was on team Mower. They quoted their statistics, "After eight seasons, team Mower is undefeated", ""team Grass has not yet made a post season appearance", "Grass has nothing to withstand the multiple horsepower of Mower's spinning blades of death". However, there were also a few experts that were holding out for an upset. "Team Grass has grown a lot in the off season", "reports from the preseason workouts say Mower is looking a little rusty", "Mower has dominated for years, but the effects of age are sure to kick in" "Everyone knows the mower offense is not as sharp as it once was, and how far can its performace slip in a league of this caliber before its dynasty ends?"
On and on the specualtion continued but no one could have forseen the events that were about to transpire. Grass looked on with it's cool motionless game face as Mower went through its pregame warm ups. There was the dusting off of the cob webs (literally). The priming of the fuel injector. And then the pull start.
Nothing.
Again the pull of the cord. Nothing. Again and again the rip start pull cord technique was proving futile to regain the spark necessary to even get team Mower onto the playing surface. It was shocking. And embarassing. Not in eight prior years of competition had team Mower displayed this level of failure. Sure, there had been mishaps. In 99 there was that rock that bent the blades. But mower pushed through the pain and finished strong. And of course we all recall the injury near the end of the 01 season that resulted in a total spark plug replacement procedure. But mower was able to rehab in the off season and come back strong for 02. But this was different. There were whispers of a "Mike Tyson-esque meltdown" and a "Bo Jackson-like career ending injury". Tragically these murmurs were exactly correct. Team Mower was unable to take the field and the ol' faithful champ was retired immediately. Mower did recieve a standing ovation and said something about considering himself "the luckiest gardening implement in the world" or something like that.
After the shocking upset, Grass commented, "We just wanted to go out there and give it a hundred and ten percent. We want to thank all the fans who've stuck by us through the last eight seasons and we wanna say we believe this victory is an indication of a new direction for the club. All we can do is go out there bring our best game and God-willing we'll be there in September when the championships roll around".
As team Grass celebrated in the front yard... (well um.. I guess team Grass IS the front yard) representatives of team Mower were already hard at work recruiting new talent. Late Monday afternoon team Mower signed a hot young prospect from the Lowes organization after negotiations reached an agreed price of approximately $84. This new athlete (ironically also named "Mower") is smaller, and lighter than his revered predecessor. Critics say he has no power and he is far too quiet to attract fans, while supporters of New Mower say his low cost and eco-friendly "push" style of play harkens back to the golden age of the sport and sets a good example of responsible behavior for the kids.
Later that same evening team Mower got a chance to see their new man perform. New Mower soundly defeated Grass once again. While the victory was not as quick nor as thorough as those of Old Mower, it was a good showing by a rookie in a tough league. And everyone expects New Mower to grow even stronger as he becomes more familiar with the Team Mower system and the peculiarities of the playing surface. New Mower was quoted as saying "I must admire the tenacity of Grass and its determination to come back time and again".
After the defeat Grass was devestated and declined comment.
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