18.8.08

Does China Permit Freedom of Religion?

Dear International Olympic Committee,

Now that Michael Phelps has achieved the unbelievable, winning a buh-zillion gold medals and shattering multiple world records, it would seem he has no where else to go in the sport of swimming.  There's no one else to beat.  No more records to shatter, for this guy and he's only 23.  So here's what I propose.  If Phelps wants to keep competing in swimming, that's fine but there are some stipulations which now must be imposed.  

1.  First, no more super-fast, high-tech, rubberized swimming suit.  From now on he competes in overalls, snow boots and a carhart jacket.  

2.  Second, enough with the World Records.  From now on he's only allowed to set Other-World records.  As soon as NASA confirms the presence of liquid water on Mars, our first priority should be to get Phelps to the red planet by any means necessary.  

3.  Third, he has nothing to prove by continuing to race people.  We all know Phelps is faster than all other people.  Now the other lanes of the pool will be occupied by sharks.   (Chum may be utilized according to the discretion of the host nation).  

4.  Fourth, it may be that Phelps has simply exhausted the limitations of "water" as an athletic medium.  Should the previous three stipulations fail to provide him with a competitive challenge, Michael will henceforth be required to compete in swimming pools filled with alternative substances.  For instance foam packaging pellets, dead batteries, or quarters.